If you’re a parent, it is a certainty that you have had to deal with an angry child. Often, we end up in shouting matches with our kids, or we freeze up, not knowing what to bởi vì when an angry outburst occurs.

Anger is a normal emotion in kids & adults alike. But how we express and deal with our feelings of anger is the difference between living in relative peace và feeling like we are at our wits’ end.

Learning lớn manage angry children and teens is an ongoing process & an important skill lớn learn. Read on to lớn learn our vị trí cao nhất 10 rules for dealing with an angry child.

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1. Don’t Yell at or Challenge Your Child During an Angry Outburst

Many times parents giảm giá with angry outbursts by challenging their kids and yelling back. But this will just increase your feeling of being out of control. The best thing you can vì chưng is remain calm in a crisis.

Think of it this way: even if you get into a oto accident and the other driver jumps out & is furious at you, if you can remain calm, they will probably start lớn relax and be reasonable. But if you come back at them with an aggressive response, and say, “What are you talking about, that was your fault,” the tension just stays at that heightened place.

So don’t challenge your child when he’s angry. That’s just adding fuel lớn the fire. Instead, patiently wait until he calms down.

Related content: Parenting an Angry, Explosive Teen: What You Should—and Shouldn’t—Do

2. Don’t Try khổng lồ Reason with Your Child During an Angry Outburst

Many parents I talk with fall back on ngắn gọn xúc tích when their kids are angry. After all, as adults, we reason through things to lớn defuse tense situations. But, reasoning with an angry kid is always a challenge because they don’t have the same capacity as we bởi to stop & reason.

So when you’re dealing with your angry child, you have khổng lồ leave that verbal place where you feel pretty comfortable & use different techniques. Saying, “Why are you mad at me? You were the one who forgot your homework at school,” will only make your child angrier. Instead, wait until he calms down và then talk it through later.

3. Pay Attention khổng lồ Your Reactions

It’s important to lớn watch your reactions, both physical and mental. Your senses will tell you “Yikes, I’m in the presence of somebody who is very upset.” You’ll feel your heart start beating faster because your adrenaline will be heightened. Even though it’s difficult, the trick is to lớn act against that in some way and try lớn stay calm.

Remember, you’re lending your children your strength in these moments. By staying calm, you’re showing them how lớn handle anger. By staying calm, you’re not challenging your child to lớn engage in a power struggle.

Also, paying attention khổng lồ your reactions will help your child pay attention to himself because he won’t need khổng lồ worry about you or your emotions. When you don’t respond calmly, your child will work even harder at his tantrum to lớn try to get you to lớn pay attention khổng lồ him. So you have lớn tap into some solid parenting skills to lớn handle the outburst quickly & effectively.

4. Don’t Get Physical with Your Child

In our online parent coaching sessions, we sometimes hear from parents who have lost it & gotten physical with their kids. I took a call from a dad whose teenage son mouthed off to his mom, and the father shoved him. The fight escalated.

Afterward, the son would not speak lớn his father because he felt his dad should apologize to him. The father, on the other hand, felt that his son caused the problem and worried that his authority would diminish if he apologized. Here is what I advised him to say:

“I lost control và it was wrong for me lớn shove you. I apologize.”

That’s it. Nothing more. End of story. We all make mistakes from time to lớn time & we apologize, make amends if necessary, và move on.

Don’t go into your child’s role in that situation at all because it is an attempt to place the blame on someone else for your actions. Instead, you want to teach your child how lớn take responsibility và make a genuine apology.


I think parents sometimes tend to lớn negotiate with their child in these situations. Often, parents are having a hard time managing their own emotions & so they don’t know how lớn coach their child properly at that moment.

But remember, if you give in and negotiate, even every once in a while, you’re teaching your child that it’s worth it khổng lồ act out. Instead, let your child calm down and try lớn coach them to lớn use his problem-solving skills later.

Related content: Anger with an Angle: Is Your Child Using Anger khổng lồ Control You?

In my opinion, when you refuse to negotiate you’re not being passive. On the contrary, you are consciously choosing khổng lồ not get into an argument. You’re saying, “I’m not going lớn negotiate. I’m going khổng lồ be calm.” Although it may not seem like it on the surface, all of those choices are actions.

7. Give Consequences for the Bad Behavior, Not for the Anger

When your child throws a tantrum, starts screaming, and loses it, make sure you give him consequences based on his behavior & not on his emotions.

For example, if your child swears at you during his angry outburst, give him a consequence later for swearing. But if all he does is stomp into his room & yell about how life isn’t fair, I would let that go. Anger is a normal emotion và kids get angry just lượt thích we do. And they need lớn feel that they have a safe place to let off steam.

As long as they’re not breaking any rules và not being disrespectful, I think you should allow them to have that time to lớn be angry.

8. Don’t Give Overly Harsh Punishments

Giving harsh punishments in the heat of the moment is a losing proposition. Here’s why. Let’s say your child is angry. He’s having a tantrum & shouting và screaming at you. You keep saying, “If you don’t get it together, I’m going lớn take away your phone for a week. Okay, now it’s two weeks. Keep it up…now it’s a month. Vị you want lớn keep going?”

But khổng lồ your dismay, your child keeps going & you keep escalating the punishment. His anger is out of control & the more you try to punish him to lớn force him lớn stop và get control of himself, the worse he gets.

We have a name for that kind of discipline: It’s called “consequence stacking.” What’s happening here is that the parent is losing emotional control. I understand that it is hard lớn tolerate it when your kid is upset. We don’t like it. But what you want to try lớn ask yourself is, “What bởi I want my child to learn?”

And the answer is probably something like: “I want him lớn learn how to lớn not throw a fit every time he has to do something he doesn’t want to lớn do. I want him to lớn learn that when he gets upset, there’s an appropriate way to lớn get out of it.”

The worst thing you can bởi is join him và get upset yourself. Harsh punishments that seem never-ending lớn your child are just not effective and will only make him angrier at that moment.

Remember, the goal is to lớn teach your child lớn get control of himself. Effective và well thought out consequences play a role, but punitive consequence stacking is not the answer.

9. Take a Break

During coaching sessions, I’ll often ask parents about their child’s angry outbursts the following question: “When you và your spouse are mad at each other, what vì you do to calm down?” Often, people will say they take a break và do something on their own for a little while until they can calm down and talk it through.

This technique also works with your child, but parents often don’t think of it because they feel they should have control over their kids. But remember, when somebody is angry, you can’t reason with them and you can’t rush it.

The bottom line is that if you stay there in that anger và keep engaging each other, it will not go away. On the contrary, it only gets bigger. 

So take a break and come back & interact with each other later when everyone is calm.

Related content: Child Outbursts: Why Kids Blame, Make Excuses và Fight When You Challenge Their Behavior

10. Role model Appropriate Responses khổng lồ Anger

I also tell parents they should try to be role models for dealing with anger appropriately. In other words, use managing your own anger as a lesson for your child. What are some good ways to vì that? Try saying this to lớn your child:

“I’m getting frustrated—I’m going to take a break.”


“I can’t talk lớn you right now. I’m really upset so I’m going khổng lồ wait until I’m calm. Let’s talk later.”

Admitting that you’re angry & you need some time khổng lồ calm down is not a weakness. It takes a lot of strength to lớn say these words out loud. Remember, you’re teaching the lesson of how lớn manage your anger, and that’s exactly what you want your child lớn learn.

Related content:Dealing with Anger in Children và Teens: Why Is My Child So Angry?Kids Who are Verbally Abusive: The Creation of a Defiant Child

About Carole Banks, LCSW

Carole Banks, LCSW holds a Masters Degree in Clinical Social Work from the University of New England. Carole has worked as a family and individual therapist for over 16 years, và is a former online parent coach for Empowering Parents. She is also the mother of three grown children và grandmother of six.

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I have a 7 yrs old boy, who is always gentle và quiet at school, but when he at trang chủ is another story. He often refuses to bởi something that he doesn"t like, like getting out of bed, brushing teeth, dressing up, but he is also serious about theMore consequence, so he will say" I don"t want khổng lồ brush my teeth, but I don"t want my teeth gets cavity; When he is late for school, he will say:" I don"t want khổng lồ go lớn school but I want khổng lồ learn & I don"t want lớn be late." For this reason he refuses to go to lớn school. He will keep saying these back và forth even if I told him it is better to be late than absent, but this will get him more anger. He is very struggle with himself no matter how I clarify lớn him. The reason he was late is because he play on bed for 30 mins when he tư vấn to vì chưng the morning routine, & I also remind him many time that it is time to lớn get ready for school. I found him doesn"t understand what we said at some point, it is something about communication barriers, he seems has not developed enough for our concept and EQ is under his age.
I have an almost 4 year old,he talks back,swears and threatens to lớn hit and often hits or shoves his almost 2 year old sister,how vày I khuyễn mãi giảm giá with that
Denise Rowden, Parent CoachEP Coach

Thank you for reaching out to lớn Our main focus is children over the age of 5 because they usually have developed enough that our concepts will work with them. We have a few articles about younger children you may find helpful,

We appreciate you being part of our Empowering Parents community. Take care.

How vị i help my soon lớn be 11 year old with his angry . It starts off with yelling và swearing then if he cant get his way he will either get up and push away chair or chase after his sister or brother and hurt them. His badMore manner are starting to lớn come out in his little brother. It doesnt matter what i say khổng lồ the soon be 11 yr old his reply is always go on take it off me i dont think you cant tell me what to vì chưng or your not my parent,i am at a lost on what to vì any help would be greatful
Denise Rowden, Parent CoachEP Coach

We hear from many parents sharing similar stories, so you are not alone. You may find it helpful to reviews these articles on how lớn address aggression here:

Thank you for reaching out. Be sure to kiểm tra back & let us know how things are going. Take care.

How bởi you stay calm in a situation that has gotten out of control? I feel lượt thích sometimes I"ve got it and then other times I find myself losing control và then having khổng lồ apologize for my words or actions later. I have an almost 8 year old boy. HeMore is smart, funny, kind....but also, he lies, more often then not does things he knows he shouldn"t, screams, talks back. It gets tiring & I don"t know how to lead by example when he is always bring disrespectful. I know his excuse, he is 7 and has all the same emotions same but with little knowledge on how to giảm giá khuyến mãi with them & little control over his life. I remember being a child và feeling just like he feels. I"m asking for help/advice for myself vị that I can be better for him.
Denise Rowden, Parent CoachEP Coach

You bring up a situation many parents have experienced. It can be tough to stay calm và in control in the face of acting out behavior. We have several articles on Calm Parenting you may find helpful:

Thank you for reaching out. Be sure to kiểm tra back và let us know how everything is going.

What vị you bởi when you"ve remained calm at the start of an angry outburst, say I"m going to take a little break & we can continue playing when you are a bit calmer, then your child screams at you và gets physical? This is an 8 year old boy.
Hi I have a son who is six who has very angry outbursts a lot lately especially this past year & a half, at first it started as yelling then it moved to lớn throwing things and breaking stuff và now he has been violent he has hit his sisterMore và not just with his hands & leaving marks on her khổng lồ a point I have to be wherever they are in the house out of fear of what he’ll do. He has threatened lớn run away on numerous occasions says he hates everyone I feel like I have tried everything i bởi vì timeouts I have taken thing, ice tried being calm I’ll admit I’ve yelled Out of anger & it seems lượt thích its only getting worse. My husband & I are at a loss on what to do. It’s so frustrating but it’s definitely nice to know I’m not alone here
Hi! I have a 7 year old son who has horrible angry outbursts at home. At school and church, he is super quiet, polite, và has never once gotten in trouble. Everyone always comments on how sweet he is. But when he is at home, its another story. If toldMore to vì something he doesn"t want to bởi (brush your teeth, go lớn bed, pick up your room, put up your phone, get in the car, etc.) he will flip. He will tell me and his dad we are the worst parents ever. That he hates us, etc. He will kick things & scream loudly. Extremely rude multiple times a day. I know how important it is khổng lồ be calm, & I feel lượt thích I try so hard. But it"s not working. I don"t know what khổng lồ do. Today, he got mad at his sister và pulled a huge chunk of her hair out. I don"t know if I"ve ever been so upset. Of course, I yelled with anger. I don"t even know how to lớn punish him. I"ve found nothing that works. Help please. Mở cửa to any and all suggestions.
These are very helpful rules to giảm giá with kids anger. Keeping a calm is key to lớn handle kids anger. Thanks for sharing. But before that setting up a good example of own anger and frustration in front of your kids will surely affect them positively. They are likely lớn learnMore this ability from parents.
My 16 year old has a habit of falling asleep after school and he is impossible lớn wake. When we finally get him up for dinner or homework he is in a horrible mood và fights with us. Any suggestions?
our 4 year old boy he is in foundation class, but going to lớn school in the mornings is a fight sometimes for my partner it can be brutal. He will not allow us khổng lồ get him dressed và cries và goes berserk, we have to lớn have to carry him toMore the car virtually undressed screaming he even pulls my partners hair và bites she is in tears. I am afraid lớn say i vì chưng get physical và have lớn hold him down with some force into his seat and try & buckle him in he actually removes the seatbelt và tries to lớn get out of the oto when we are moving. My other 2 children who are girls 7-9 yo get very destressed & cry i have put the child locks on to stop any harm coming to him, we are at our wits end now considering taking him out of school và doing trang chủ tutoring will this mean he has won his battle with us và what will it mean lớn his further schooling??
I have an 8 year old grandson that lives with myself,his grandfather,his 42 year old Aunt and his mother. We are all close in a lot of ways but there is some under tension throughout the house. Grandfather is very loud naturally so when he disagrees with something itMore comes across as the law Lol I am sick but still working so grandfather has charge pretty much when grandsons mother & I are at work He tends lớn his every need and loves doing it Aunt is currently unemployed but not always at the house She does spend a lot of time doing gun activities with grandson we all spend lots of time with him Most of the time he is so awesome and he acts lượt thích a little adult but occasionally he explodes. He talks ugly to whoever is in his path at the moment and then is sorry later. His mother punishes him appropriately I believe so what can we bởi vì short of acting ugly to lớn him. Underneath that angery outburst I see a very vulnerable little boy và I would love khổng lồ help him grow up to lớn be a very happy young man. He is very loved by his entire family so we just need a little direction & advice.

very good article. About admitting being angry...I vị it, & notice that sometimes my daughter feels guilty for making me angry và then turns the anger towards herself. I don"t want her lớn feel guilty, I only need khổng lồ leave the room to cool down và not get as angry as she is. Any tips there?


Firstly, thank you for the informative article.

I am a single mum of a 9yr old boy who I really need some sort of advice, guidance & help with. His dad has never been a big part of his life but there has never been any animosity between us & my son had always been a regular boy in respect of behaviour issues until around 6 months ago when things have escalated into some rather worrying situations.

I should mention that when my son was 2, I entered into a relationship which became rather unhealthy however I failed khổng lồ realise just how bad until I was in too deep. My ex has all the characteristics of a narcissist and was very controlling without me even realising it. We ended after 5 years but surprisingly on good terms. I was worn out and he lost control of me so we were both willing khổng lồ walk away. That was 2 years ago và I have remained single.

My son has always been a bit cheeky in that he answers back a lot but never had been aggressive. It started with little things lượt thích when I say we were going shopping after school, he would at first refuse, then ask what I needed khổng lồ get then he tries to hold me lớn it saying well that is all we are getting và argues constantly with me. He always contradicts everything I say & if I am being honest, it"s as though he has developed some of the controlling và belittling characteristics from my ex which I know I need to lớn take responsibility for & I have tried a lot of the tips in this article.

About 1 month ago, he was answering back and being disrespectful so I banned him from his computer. When he refused khổng lồ get dressed so we could go vày the shopping, i banned him from his phone.

I then had nothing left & whilst I always try to avoid spanking, I told him if he did not get dressed, he would get a smacked bottom. Still refusing to lớn get dressed, he ran downstairs. I went calmly down the stairs after hI"m but when I went khổng lồ the kitchen where he was, he had pulled a large knife out & was pointing it at me with a glazed, angry, yet tearful look in his eyes. This did really scare me và initially I froze. I didn"t recognise my son, so much so that I would not attempt to get the knife from him as I was unsure how he would react so trying khổng lồ remain as calm as possible, I told him if he didn"t put it back, I would hotline the police. Only when I got the phone và pretended lớn talk to lớn the police did he put it away.

I was so shocked, after explaining to him how terrible what he did was và how he made me feel, I went upstairs and just cried. I went upstairs as I did not want him to see how upset he made me as this seems to only empower him however he walked past my room saw me and just went khổng lồ his room.

Once we were dressed, I took him khổng lồ my mums as I needed tư vấn and guidance. When she asked him why he did it and explained how upset he made me, he just shugged his shoulders và smiled.

He hasn"t done this again since however he does now punch my arms and kick or stand in my way và I am finding it very hard khổng lồ know what to vì chưng in these situations. You are right in saying that trying khổng lồ discuss or reason "in the moment" does not work as a child"s lô ghích is much lượt thích tunnel vision. I am very scared for my son and feel ashamed that I introduced him khổng lồ this behaviour. My ex and I had a couple of arguments that turned physical in the 5years but nothing so serious and never physical in front of my son but he did hear the arguments. I have a brother who is bi-polar và being very close lớn my mum & him has also introduced my son to lớn other unacceptable behaviour. My brother had pulled a knife out once at my mums but was not threatening any of us with it and I can only assume that is where my son picked this up however my son understands my brother has problems in his head that prevent him from thinking and acting rationally & that he takes medication for this which my son explains in his own words so I know he understands the difference.

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I am working on undoing the behaviours he has grown khổng lồ believe as being those of a man but u don"t know given the severity of the recent incident if I should seek medical help or not. We have just returned from holiday where I took my mum with us và she has said how she has noticed a big change in him. He is very disrespectful to her and I và often tries to antagonise or create situations/arguments & seems to enjoy them. I know my son would lượt thích a better relationship with his dad as he has only seen him 6 times (he lives far away & was with the army for 5 years) và has since had a daughter who is always there with her mum when my son has since his dad. I bởi vì feel for my son as I see the hurt he feels when he sees how close his dad is with his sister yet he barely knows him. It"s lượt thích he feels lượt thích an intruder on there family. I am trying to get his dad on board khổng lồ visit more and offered lớn travel lớn him asking for just him và my son khổng lồ spend time together but now he has left the army and gone back in the police force, I aren"t sure he will find the time.